Spider Woman

This is supposed to be my happy, cancer-free blog, but it's not. This is me trying not to panic anyone, because I don't want that. But I have a lump. It's hard, unmoving and about the size of ... well, in my mind, a bowling ball, but that's probably incorrect. You see, it's 4am and I've not been to sleep yet. I got about two hours of sleep last night and less the night before. My doctor gave me pills to help me sleep, though I've not taken them. Duh, I should. I don't like sleeping pills; I always feel sluggish the next day.

Anyway! Back to the lump. I've been feeling a tightening under my skin in my chest area the last few weeks and I figured it was just scar tissue. After researching mastectomy scar tissue online, I now doubt very much that's what it is. It's been seven months since my mastectomy...there shouldn't be any new scar tissue forming. Ok, so what is it? I don't know. I could have asked the doctor about it on Friday, but I was too scared. This is my first mention of it at all. I haven't even told Tom.

Let me see if i can describe what is going on in my head... Try to imagine walking through the jungle and believing there are spiders everywhere. Now even if you're not scared of spiders, you've been told there's a chance one is going to jump out and bite you. You've been bitten before and you know how painful it is. You know that if you get bitten again what happens to your life - you create a domino effect - it's almost as if that spider's poison is passed on from one person to the next. Oh, and not just any people either! Heavens, no. Your spider bite affects the lives of all the people you love. You need to keep walking, but you are jumpy and fretting the whole time. Right now I'm frozen in one place, because I'm too scared to keep going.

Writing about this lump made it real. Come sun up I'll call Dr Young. Let's have her pat me on the arm and send me home with a "trust me, it's nothing".